苦

最近工作上发生了悲剧，让大家都在非常大的压力下继续劳作。承受着外来的异样眼光和种种压力，我却不知该把这份压力跟谁诉苦。直到跟贤的侃侃而谈，她叫我别再压抑在心里了，两行眼泪才终于决堤。我总以为我很坚强，但其实并不然。那好强和爱面子的个性让我经过岁月的痕迹渐渐地稳固了，连以前看小小感动的画面都会一把鼻涕一把眼泪的我早已找不回来。当晚凌晨时分我突然的惊醒，想睡脑海却都是些残忍的画面，看着家人熟睡的模样，心里很沉重。看到他的问候，让我决定跟他述说最近的不顺。他在距离8118.86km的异地打电话来听听我的不安，他总是很担心我是不是在哭泣，但说实话，我还真的是哭不出来，心里还是闷闷的，在我述说的过程中。我还是很欣慰的，最近都没联络的我们还是维持着这若即若离的关系。他说别担心，这事不管你的事，你会安然度过的，他就快回来陪我了。但其实就算他的归来也不会改变什么，这我很清楚。事情不在我的掌控之中，让人郁闷至极。人生总是没有happy ending，你说是吧？

只希望这事情能赶快告一段落，安息。。。

Tonight I'm getting over you

其实这个问题真的存在很久了，快要一年的时间。连我身边的人都看不下去叫我别傻了，看到了这么多血淋淋的证据，我才能坦然地告诉自己别再欺骗自己了。

说实话，我真的从来没想过，与你这么奇妙的相遇，竟搞到我这么地受尽折磨。为何我原本的闲来无事，让你闯进了我的世界里，就让我这么地想要依赖着你，不愿再放手。理智总是告诉我，这个人很危险，别再靠近了，要不然可就受尽了委屈。可是我总是不信邪，慢慢地掉入了你设下的陷阱。现在可好了，我不知道该怎么办，才能狠下心抛开你的一切。心真的很痛，不知该做什么才能忘了这一切。其实那时你对我你朋友经历的短暂失忆，我多么地想要那个会是我，让我忘记你对我的一切，好让我不再心痛伤心了。

我真的很感激你对我的一切，让我感到我真的是很幸福。不过，关于所谓关系的界面图，让不止是我还是我身边的人都感到匪夷所思。或许对你来说这不是个问题，但我会感到很困扰。你的好害到我很自私地想拥有，不过你却没那个意思，那我很尴尬叻。该放下还是争取，会成为永远的谜。你其实很自私，这是个事实。我很恨你的大方和爱心泛滥，虽然那是你的魅力之一。你怎么能这样对我，明知我和你的性格相似，会了解我的想法，却又视若无睹。

我想我真的别再这么傻了，是时候该放下，好让自己的心别再受伤了。你或许觉得是我想太多了，不过一切都无所谓了。

献给你这首歌，让一切都回归零吧…

Encouragement From Special Persons

I was doing my second night yesterday, since it's weekend and the next day is an very important day for our country, so left very less patients in the hospital. So I had my chance to chit chatting with my patients while I'm on my way to take observations.

The first patient admitted again within 4 days duration due to his gastric problem and perhaps some post op complication or side effect which we all don't know what actually cause him like that. His wife asked me whether will going to vote tomorrow. I told her that I need to work still and I'm not a local, plus my name is not in the list although I did registered since last year June. They was shocked and talked alot regarding this. Then we talked about nursing progression in this world, they encouraged me to go oversea and work after my bond finished. I planned to do so since ever I joined this profession, but I will definitely continue my studies first before stepped out from this country. Without a degree post will be quite hard to get a job with good paid at oversea. But maybe my mind will change after few years later as time goes by, they wished me to have a good future as nursing is a worldwide recognized job.

Then another patient who was admitted a week already due to her backache. The first night when I was serving medications for her, she suddenly talked about my lentigo on my right chin which will bring me a very fortunate luck, and I will getting married with a rich guy. I was so shocked and told her that actually I had an idea to remove it since I was small. She strongly refused me to remove it as she said it was a gift from God and marked on my face, so that it will bring luck for my future. I actually really had a goosebump when she told me all those as she gave me the advices of what I worried the things for years. I laughed and asked her how would you know all these. She said it's a destiny that God sent me to here and met you, to tell you all these. That overwhelming feeling within my heart can't fade off till now, I sit down in front of my laptop to jot down all these moments. She really encouraged me to be an independent and knowledgeable women, help others while we can, take a good care of our own family, then the Mr Right will come and meet us whenever time reached. We shake our hands before ended our conversations and I truly appreciated of what she said. Thank you so much for boost me up my hesitations and doubt, I'll be a better person and bring all those cheerful smile to the others.

I believe I can achieve what I dreamed off. My good life will comes eventually! Challenges accepted! =)

One-third

It's been a while to update my blog. As usual busy with works and recently my lappie spoiled made me unable to post, but I knew all these was just an excuse. Now I'm even able to use my Note 2 to write this, it just the matter of mood. Yea I admitted my mood swing is in critical stage, but don't worry it will just occur when I really can't stand with it anymore. *control control*

One third of 2013 has gone, I'm still doing fine with my job, nothing much new things to be happy with. Awaiting for increment and bonus to be happened on me, although some of them said people who working less than a year will not getting anything. But I do really hope that expection will happened, so that I will have that kind of motivation to continue this pathway. *fingers crossed*

Two days ago, I almost had a MI episode with ILT due to his lame joke. That unsatisfactory and angry feeling still deep inside my heart. Although apologies and comfort given, but I don't really understand what's the point of having that kind of lame joke. Perhaps I'm too stingy to make fun with, but my sincerity is not a joke, seriously I swear, especially with the person I do really care much. My heartache still exists whenever I think back, gonna break my heart harshly so that it won't get any injury anymore! You'll get the paid in the future! Hmp!

End of May is the day of my bestie back from Dublin for her summer break! Can't wait to meet her as we're having almost a year never meet each other, although we always keep in touch frequently in using any kind of communication tools. Gonna planning many things to do with her and also with our gangs too! It's gonna be awesome!! Also today is her birthday, have a sweet celebration ya~ :D

My complicated feeling become worse after you told me all those, perhaps I'm the one whom overthinking but still there's impossible to have all these weird actions right? I'll just pretend know nothing until the truth disclose. Please forgive me for being such that coward, I'm sorry.

P/S: I'm gonna live my life like forever 22!

对自己的承诺！

「不要问別人，为何走出去。

　而是问自己，为何还沒出发。」

有时候旅行只需要一个念头，一点任性，一点冲动。

刚刚无意间看到别人的旅后感言，心中那热血的旅游心又沸腾了。所以我对自己的承诺，无论如何，一定要实现我那梦寐以求的背包旅行！不管单枪匹马还是两三只小猫的跟随，去哪个世界天涯海角都行！我要带上相机和背包，用自己裸眼看着世界~！（btw my eyes recovered slowly by taking its time LOL） 要好好赚钱去出发咯！

相信自己可以实现这梦想的~ 加油！

Longest MC ever in 2013!

Remembered of my last post talking about my sickness? Now it still stick with me and don't want to leave me alone. I'm still having my MC for continuously 5 days already, but yet not fully recovered. Just now went and see for my ophthalmologist for follow-up, and he gave me 2 more days MC since it still having redness and swollen, in fact my left eye started get infected too. He diagnosed me as viral conjunctivitis, which made me fall into the hell and I'm damn emo right now. Sigh~ I'm so sick of that. With discomfort of the stupid eyes, I can't go anywhere even hometown also can't just because I scared I'll spread it to my parents as it's very contagious. Even just out of the room and was about to dry up all my washed clothes also feel my eyes is burning when I was looking to the sky. So currently everyday I'm in my little space of sweet room and enjoy my darkness whenever what I did, no matter eating or watching movie. I feel like I'm just like a vampire, who can't live in bright side. =.=

All the medicines that I need to take from getting myself back to normal.

People especially all my colleagues wishes and envy of my long MC when I passed the MC to my supervisor. In my mind I was like "WTH you wish to have a unhealthy body just because of the rest day is it?". If you want the rest day just rest it well on your day off, and please don't wish to be like me. You'll regret when you have the same disease just like me.Yea, I know it's really tiring especially like my crazy working ward where there will always have non-stop admission, transfer-in or out, emergency operations, fussy patients who always think they're the only patient in the hospital, uncooperative pediatrics who always cry and refuse anything you wanna do with him/her, troublesome relatives who gave extra works for you to do, weirdo doctors who always think their time is precious but not nurses and asked for something which is ridiculous and you will feel like wanna kick him off, other departments who always rush you and never think that actually we all nurses just have two hands, legs and a brain only, and etc. Of course not everyone is like what I stated as above, but things will getting frustrated when your works just never end and they just keep on coming and coming. Somemore when you work double shift on that day. Not even a drop of water you had ever drink and never step into toilet and pee since you started work for 12 hours already, what about the lunch or dinner. In conclusion, I think because of all these, my sickness only become so severe due to my low immune system.

I just to have my healthy and beautiful eyes back! Please come back to me~~ T.T



P/S: When you going to lose the thing that you used to it, only you'll realize how important it is in your life.

Money Make Her Smile?

Hectic working life made me unable to post out what's happening on my February days life. I always seems to be blame on my job, not to said that I hate my profession but it really made my life so miserable and lifeless. Used up most of my time and working like a cow in hospital, but just earned that little pitiful salary for myself. Then ended up made myself become thinner and unhealthy, easily to get sick due to shift schedule and lack of resting time. Then also having less time to accompany my family especially my parents, less gathering and bonding time with my beloved friends, less time to build up my new network connection for new stuffs or new buddy. My 22nd years in this world sounds so pitiful, but I swear to myself that I will make a overhauled for my better future, just need to endure all the painful and suffering, the bright side will always be with me.

This year CNY celebration is getting even cooler, as my grandpa passed away for 1 year plus and my grandma still unable to ambulate by her own fully after that stroke episode. So still we not celebrate grandly for this festival, but I think even after subsequent years will still remain the same. CNY doesn't become so important anymore as time goes by, when you grew up older and bigger, especially after you step into the working life. I can't smell and feel the festival atmosphere till when I went to shopping centre where they kept on playing the CNY songs. But what I love the most is I able to enjoy many delicious and nice foods especially my mom homecook foods! Also having gathering with my beloved family and bunch of old buddies which I felt the most comfortable and enjoyable moment in this CNY. Of course I did gave a little token of appreciation for my parents and grandma, the feeling is wonderful and overwhelming when you passed over to them, 'cause that's the hard-earned effort from ownself. Also I helped my grandma for toilet bath which I feel it's usual thing as I always did in hospital when I was a student. While I taking my grandma back to living room after the bath, she looked at me and appreciated of what I did for her. A peace feeling overwhelming my heart, yea, I still feel that that's not wrong that I'm in this profession.

Thus came to my 22nd birthday which I have never expected so much from that, since last year I had few grand celebration just because I was 21st. So this year  luckily I'm able to get annual leave for my birthday, at first which supposed back to work and eventually after I talked with my boss, leave approved and I was so relieved. "Never try to work during your birthday!" -- this statement which quoted by my respectful tutor Ms K. The day before just had a gathering outing with Xiong, MK, Xian Moi, Nyamuk and S.Yin. Never thought they still celebrated with me, although no cake for that, but I'm really satisfied for all the treats they did. I received a very special present from my little sis, a blue paper which full with wishes and unknown names, it's my little sis's idea who asked her NS friends gave me wishes which I really touched of that! Then on the exact day, back to Puchong since tomorrow's morning shift, had a single Valentine's dinner with Ying at Sushi Zanmai. Life is just great with all loves around!

Then continue my hectic working life after CNY holiday till now. Between that I went back hometown once after my night shift, met up my 2 close bros JT and Bong at newly opened Starbucks. Really had a long time never have a talk with both of them. JT is going to SG and start his working life, and we'll have less time to meet up in the future. Kinda sad when he told me about this, but what to do when it comes to money is everything in this world, especially for man who need to take care of family. Wish a good luck for him! Of course I did accompanied my parents well since my little sis is not around, what a complicated feeling when actually I think both of my beloved parents stay at home without three of us together. Soon my little sis is going for college which I think she won't be staying at Melaka study. How I wish I can stay with them...

And now ended up with right eye conjuctivitis after 3 days double in a week. Don't know all of sudden and how did I get this, got two days MC and currently I'm isolating myself in my room. I just hope that it can recover soon 'cause it is very irritating when it comes to icthiness and watery redness eye. Discomfort!!


I just want my active lifely life back!! *shouting in my deep heart*


P/S: 思念就跟爱情一样是会耗尽的。无奈要分隔两地，一开始我想你想得很苦恨不得马上飞奔到你身边，再也不要跟你分开。后来的后来，我沒那么想你了，不是不爱你而是这样的想念是沒有归途的。我再怎么想你，还是见不着你，摸不到你，只是用思念来折磨自己。于是我知道，我得学着过自己的生活。